Sunday, December 13, 2009

6 Ways to Bust Your Holiday Nut

Back when I lived in the Windy City, I used to write a column for Nightspots magazine called "Tales from the Sexual Underground."

One of my most popular columns was this heartwarming Yuletide piece. I thought I would share it with you now (in a new and improved version), in the hopes that it will become a family favorite to rival the likes of Mr. Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.

Six Ways to Bust Your Holiday Nut
By Rick R. Reed

If you're a ho! ho! ho!, here are some things you might appreciate come Christmas morn (aside from coming yourself Christmas morn, of course, which is the greatest gift of all). Even if you're not quite a ho! ho! ho!, yet you've managed to combine naughty and nice in the most delightful way, you might be interested in some of the things Santa might stuff in your tight little stocking, so read on.

Silicone dildos. Silicone is an ideal material for dildos, those wonderful phallic stand-ins that have been so popular for so long. Aside from giving you a feeling of fullness not even a big holiday meal can rival, silicone dildos are superior to rubber because they're easier to clean, they retain body heat and are super-resilient, so they can stand up to even the toughest treatment.

Ben wa balls. Yes, Vagina, there is a Santa Claus and it comes in the form of these two delightful little ball bearings, which you insert, sit back, and enjoy the feeling of them rolling around inside you. For added bang, insert them, then insert penis, finger, dildo, tongue, or vibrator of choice.

Crisco. While your mother might use these to grease her muffin cups, you can find other uses for this wonderful fat. Crisco makes an excellent lubricant for masturbation, becoming more liquid and warm as you rub it into your nether regions. Not for use with latex, though; it'll eat right through it. (Trust me, I know.)

A butt plug. Assholes come in all different sizes and so do these delightful toys (I just love the one pictured...imagine the possibilities!). Slip one in before attending your next holiday gala and arrive wearing a mysterious cat that ate the canary grin. Just make sure you wear some underwear or at least pants. You don't want to have any embarrassing moments on the dance floor.

Fruit and veg. Who says you need a partner to make satisfying love? If you're a top, melons and even apples can provide a serviceable port for your love boat when there's a sexual storm (not to mention a tasty treat when the storm dies down!). And bottoms will find there's no end to love when visiting their favorite produce stands. Carrots, cukes, zucchini, peppers, turnips, parsnips and more can turn you into a real health nut!

Cock rings. Not only do these nifty little devices help keep you harder longer, they can make your penis look even more attractive, making those veins standout seductively and giving your balls that "ready-to-burst" sheen. Cock rings come in a variety of materials (leather, metal, plastic, even tiny gummy ones that stretch WAY big), colors and ornamentation (studs, cubic zirconia, spikes…) so that you can make your bid for Mr. Blackwell's Best Dressed Dingus award come 2010.

 These are just the tip of the, um, iceberg, when it comes to sexual holiday delights. Use your imagination (as Victor Hugo once said, "Imagination is intelligence with an erection") and you can come up with simply no end to the gifts you can give…not just during the holiday season, but throughout the year.

And in 2010, watch for Tales from the Sexual Underground, the book, coming from MLR Press!


  1. Thanks Rick,

    I was wondering what to get the postman, the UPS guy, my gardener, the barista guy at the local Starbucks and my tax accountant.