Kage Alan Gets Even Sillier with My 10 Questions

Kage Alan can be a silly man. The author of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation and Andy Stevenson vs. The Lord of the Loins, Kage took time out of his frantic global book tour to sit down with me over scrambled eggs with ketchup and grape Kool-Aid and indulge me with his answers to a few deeply silly questions.

1. If you could invite any famous person, dead or alive, for dinner, what would you eat?
I just made a dish for my partner a few weeks ago that I'm quite proud of. It consisted of linguini with steamed asparagus, jumbo shrimp, steamed crab, lobster and with a garlic cheese sauce. That's what I'd make. Perhaps a homemade blueberry tart with real Michigan blueberries for dessert, too.

2. Who do you think you are?
Someone partially defined by his problems (see next question), partially defined by his successes, partially defined by who I want to be and partially defined by how my partner sees me. Some might use the word "prick", but since their opinions don't matter, who cares what word they'd use? A psychic told me two years ago that I came back to live another lifetime because I was bored. I'm just trying to spice the party up a little now.

3. What’s your problem?
Where do I start? People who drive while talking on cell phones, people whose cell phones go off in movie theatres, people who bring small children to see horror movies while their cell phone goes off in movie theatres, the expression "have a good one", people who insist on talking to me when I'm walking each morning and clearly wearing headphones whilst piecing together scenes I fully intend on writing when I return from exercising, my partner's inability to comprehend what human emotions are and that I have them, and, finally, that bitch behind the counter at the coffee shop who insists on calling my steamed milk (a "steamer") a "reindeer drink" (I don't drink coffee) just to make fun of me.

4. If you could have one wish, would you give it to me?
That depends. If I don't like what you're wishing for, would you give it back?

5. Where you at?
I'm in that state between annoyance and pleasantly stupefied. Gotta love the afternoon. That's where I'm at.

6. If you had to choose only one vice, what would it be?
Masturbation, definitely. [RR comment: Masturbation is a vice? Who knew? I thought it was a healthy release and did wonders for the complexion.] I can live without the foods that are bad for me, the buying Blu-Rays, the hair highlights, manicures, botox around the eyes to get rid of crows feet, jetting to London to shop with Madonna (okay, that only happened once), attending Sci-Fi and horror conventions, and taunting the people who work at Best Buy who think they know more about new releases than I do, but when all is said and done at the end of the day...sometimes even the afternoon, mid-afternoon, pre-evening, evening or even morning when first waking up...you just have to touch yourself.

7. What’s your favorite brand of cereal?
Boo-Berry. Unfortunately, the dye in the cereal tends to go right through my system and out the opposite end. I found this out in a panic one morning while attempting to figure out whether or not I needed to go to the emergency room.

8. When you wake up in the morning, what celebrity do you most resemble?
A friend of mine tells me Jim Kerr, the lead singer of Simple Minds. That aforementioned friend works for one of the car companies, though, and considering how much trouble they're in, I find it difficult to put much faith in his opinion at the moment. Love him. Mean it. Not really.

9. Do you know your ass from a hole in the ground? And if so, how do you tell the difference?
Holes in the ground are empty. I've been told from time to time that I'm full of shit. So you see, someone figured out how to tell the difference for me.

10. Do you have anything you’d like to plug?
My partner's Grandmonster's breathing hole. I'll most likely be doing that myself since she'll be the focus of the next book I write--after I'm done with the one I'm currently working on.

Kage Alan lives in a suburb of Detroit where he resides with his half–Asian and wholly domineering partner. He (not the partner) is the author of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation and Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins. Haven't had enough of Kage? Go visit his website.