I'm Coming Out...as Straight

It's true. I can't hide it any longer: I am a straight man pretending to be gay. That's me and the wife, above,  at Pike Place Market. Isn't she hot?

Why? Why would you do that? You wonder. Well, I'll tell you why. One, because as a gay man I could write gay books and everyone knows that books with gay protagonists, no matter what the genre, are hot sellers, the darling of the NY publishing scene, and adored by top shelf critics like those at the New York Times Review of Books. By pretending to be gay, I could become the rich and famous author I'd always dreamed of.

Now that I'm here, I figure I can let you see the real me. Not the me I chose to be, but who I really am. After all, who in their right mind would ever choose to be straight, with all its problems, its social ridicule, its complete and utter uncool factor? So I will no longer hide my power tools, my beer bottles, and my subscription to Maxim. And I certainly will not hide that I like to get together with a buddy on the weekends and do a little welding.

Second, I pretended to be gay because it got me sympathy, not only with the ladies (who thought they could trust me--which had its benefits if you know what I'm sayin'...okay?), but with the general public. All the cool people, the smart people, the people who know what's what, were pulling for me to be able to get married, to serve in the military, to have all this equality...and...and shit. It's kind of fun being the underdog, the cause celebre, if you will. Damn, I'll miss that.

And last, I hid my heterosexuality because I'm just a malicious bastard who gets a kick out of pulling the wool over your eyes.

Happy April Fool's Day.