Thursday, April 1, 2010

I'm Coming Out...as Straight

It's true. I can't hide it any longer: I am a straight man pretending to be gay. That's me and the wife, above,  at Pike Place Market. Isn't she hot?

Why? Why would you do that? You wonder. Well, I'll tell you why. One, because as a gay man I could write gay books and everyone knows that books with gay protagonists, no matter what the genre, are hot sellers, the darling of the NY publishing scene, and adored by top shelf critics like those at the New York Times Review of Books. By pretending to be gay, I could become the rich and famous author I'd always dreamed of.

Now that I'm here, I figure I can let you see the real me. Not the me I chose to be, but who I really am. After all, who in their right mind would ever choose to be straight, with all its problems, its social ridicule, its complete and utter uncool factor? So I will no longer hide my power tools, my beer bottles, and my subscription to Maxim. And I certainly will not hide that I like to get together with a buddy on the weekends and do a little welding.

Second, I pretended to be gay because it got me sympathy, not only with the ladies (who thought they could trust me--which had its benefits if you know what I'm sayin'...okay?), but with the general public. All the cool people, the smart people, the people who know what's what, were pulling for me to be able to get married, to serve in the military, to have all this equality...and...and shit. It's kind of fun being the underdog, the cause celebre, if you will. Damn, I'll miss that.

And last, I hid my heterosexuality because I'm just a malicious bastard who gets a kick out of pulling the wool over your eyes.

Happy April Fool's Day.

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19 comments:

  1. It's exactly what I've always suspected - you are a malicious bastard...

    Victor

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  2. LOL! I knew it was a setup, but it was gloriously done.

    B

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  3. Rick,

    That was just funny, I loved it. Just the right amount of sarcasm too:)

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  4. You forgot the other thing you get from the ladies. They want to cure you, so you get laid a lot more. Oops, I hope your wife doesn't read this.

    You bad, bad heterosexual boy.

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  5. Go pussy licker! ;) Happy April Fool's Day!

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  6. Are we invited to your straight coming out party then?

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  7. I'm all AGOG.

    Happy April Fool's Day.

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  8. Silly tart*. :)

    Charlie

    *This is a term of great endearment chez Cochrane...

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  9. That was priceless!

    Let me tell you, though. Before I got to the end...BEFORE my heart attack, that is...your sex appeal plummeted about FIVE BILLION NOTCHES in my eyes! LOL! I've recovered...all's well now! lol...

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  10. It's to early for this - I'm going back to bed and waking up on April 2nd when all will again be right with my world ;) LOL

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  11. Aha!!! I knew it all along! I mean, you're so macho looking how could you possibl..yeah? Huh? You mean not every gay guy prances????
    Damn! Another stereotype shot to he-double hockey-sticks!!

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  12. Hilarious! Happy April's Fool Day!

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  13. LOL Cute, Rick.

    Sorry I didn't get to meet you at EPICon. They kept me running most of the time and when I had time, you were no where to be found. Hope you enjoyed New Orleans.

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  14. "I like to get together with a buddy on the weekends and do a little welding."

    Welding? ::snerk:: I bet.

    You are really a closeted gay guy masquerading as a straight guy masquerading as a gay guy. Aren't you?

    My head hurts. You bad bad man. Oh, and Happy Chocolate Bunny Day.

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