Tuesday, December 31, 2019

End of 2019 Thoughts

I think, ever since I was a kid, the last day of the year has been a reflective time--a dividing line between the old and new.

A day of letting go.

A day of hope.

A chance of renewal.

A clean slate. 

2019, on national, global, and personal levels, was a year of great change--extreme highs and extreme lows. For me, it was a year of reckoning--with who I am and with who I know I can be.

Personal change is always present. But 2019 also brought changes that marked the end of things and, as ever, the beginnings of others.

In 2019, I ended a relationship of nearly a decade and more than thirty books with Dreamspinner Press. It was like the end of a marriage...and equally stressful and painful. It was also eye-opening. Sadly, I will never again be as trusting of people. I had thought the folks at Dreamspinner were good friends and even family. I adored them and welcomed them into my heart, my home, and my imagination. I believed in a future with them. That these dreams went up in smoke and betrayal was testimony to the fact that everything changes. My dreams have been hobbled, but I will go on, hopefully stronger and more resilient and maybe even a better, more mature writer. I'm grateful for all Dreamspinner did for me and sad that our relationship ended in such spectacular disappointment.

But all change is, I believe, balanced. The new year will see a deepening relationship with other publishers and collaborators. I'm looking at you, Nine Star Press and JMS Books. 

2019 also marked the end of some significant friendships. There's a saying that people enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes, we can't predict who will fall into these categories, but they show us who they are, sometimes painfully and sometimes with simple acceptance for what once was. And sometimes both. I'm grateful for what once was and look forward to deepening and new friends who share my worldview.

2019 saw the loss of my mom's sister, my beloved Aunt Jackie. I'm so grateful for the support of family and friends who cared enough to reach out and to try, even in small ways, to offer comfort. But I'm more grateful for the memories I have of Aunt Jackie, which are so intertwined with memories of my own late mother as to be invaluable. 

I look forward to 2020, knowing it will bring, in varying amounts, the same levels of disappointment and joy. I hope to deepen the message my writing brings, to deepen my personal relationships, and to find that elusive inner peace I've searched for all my life.

I wish the same for you.

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